Review by The Ninja Master
Dragon Wars, or D-War in some countries, is one of the funniest movies I've seen in years. Unfortunately, it's not a comedy. This movie masterfully combines horrible acting and an absurd plot to bring us one of the worst movies this year. If you liked this movie, you are either:
B. Someone who should be unconscious
C. A douchebag
Reasons For Slaughter: Wow. This movie starts with some guy seeing something on the ground, then immediately going into a bad-acting fest of internal monologue, telling himself it involves him and is important. We then get treated to a flashback to his past, where he gets lectured as a little kid by some guy who fakes a heart attack to be alone with him (pedophile?). The guy starts telling him this story, and now we're double flashed back to ancient Korea, where we get to see some random shit happening. The kid summarizes it best when he says to the man "What are you talking about?" Meanwhile in ancient Korean times, an old guardian for something or other is telling an emperor the same story the kid is hearing. He too replies "What are you talking about?"
It gets better. The random pedophile says to the kid "I know it's hard to believe, but want to hear something even harder to believe?" The kid nods, of course, intrigued by the genius writing. The guy hands him some random object and tells him it will protect him, and that he's the reincarnation of some guy in the story he was just told. By the way, the guy in the story also had the protecting medallion (or whatever) but he decided to toss it in a lake for no reason, right before he got himself killed.
Confused? Good. If you comprehended the plot, you'd immediately sink into depression. It's beyond stupid. Suffice to say that a bunch of random warriors and some monsters come out of nowhere to try and kill a completely idiotic girl, and the rest of the story is about the chosen douche mentioned above trying to save her.
The acting will make you cringe. Still, it impressed me. How? Compared to the plot, anything seems impressive. The man who wrote this movie should be taken out and beaten, then fed to lizards (who no doubt are quite upset and embarassed at their portrayal in this bathroom-explosion of a movie.) Let me give you a few examples of the beauty that is Dragon Wars.
The main guy (I'll call him Mr. Douche) and the girl are in a car trying to escape from a monstrous serpent the size of a mountain. The serpent thing trashes the car, and is seconds away from eating everyone. Mr. Douche smashes his bent up door open, pulls the girl out, and looks up to see the beast bearing down on top of them. Does he run? No, he stops and closes the car door. The car is already all smashed up and worthless, and everyone is about to die, but he feels a burning desire to close that door. What the hell? They narrowly escape, because although the monster can outrun an automobile, it is overcome with a forgetfullness of how to move when it sees the people it is chasing within reach.
Or how about this scene. The main girl is chilling at home crying like a baby, and her roomate comes in. The roomate sees a bunch of Korean symbols on paper stuck all over the room and gets a little freaked. She asks Dumb Girl what's wrong.
Dumb Girl: Something bad is going to happen to me, I can feel it. These symbols are the only thing that can protect me! I know I'm a bad actress but please believe that I am worried.
Roomate: Uh, maybe you should get some rest?
Dumb Girl: You don't believe me, do you? Even after that compelling argument I just gave?
Roomate: Why don't you take a rest, and then we will GO OUT AND GET DRUNK!
Dumb Girl: Even though I know I'm going to die and I am all worried, that sounds like a good idea. I am a worse actress than a cracked out robot trying to impersonate a drunk butterfly.
Uh, what? Does that make sense to anyone? Of course, this is the same girl that randomly picks up a pistol and runs at the mountain sized serpent waving it around. Wait, the same huge creature that throughout the movie has survived missles and machine gun fire from the entire US army? Yes, that's the one. She's special.
Yes, there was action and explosions, and some of it was kinda cool. The CGI was a little crappy and nothing looked real, but really, you wouldn't care anyway. Even if you came in hoping for nothing more than some cool dragon action, you'll find yourself so bored to death by the lack of a story that you don't even care what happens.
Did I mention the pedophile guy from the beginning follows around Mr. Douche? Yup, he randomly turns into different people to hide his identity, rather than show who he is so Mr. Douche can ask him for help. Apparently, it's better to help once in awhile and disappear, leaving Mr. Douche and Dumb Girl to almost die countless times, rather than to come out and save her yourself. With the power Pedophile Man has, why do we even need Mr. Douche? Why doesn't the old guy just save the girl himself?
These are questions I will have to ask my shrink, because watching this movie has ruined my life. Let's move on to...
If The Ninja Master Made This Movie: Some dragons come out of nowhere and torch the moronic cast. The Dragons then don makeup and costumes, attempting to reinact a decent movie and regain their honour. The last scene of the movie shows the writer and director being tortured in an underground cavern somewhere, and it fades to black amidst the roar of applause from countless people insulted by this film's existence.