Spiderman 3

Review by The Ninja Master

Ouch. This one seemed okay, until it suddenly went insane and hurt me internally.

THINGS THIS MOVIE CONTAINED: Peter Parker doing disco type dancing, Venom being lame, Bruce Campbell

THINGS THIS MOVIE DID NOT CONTAIN:  Sean Connery, edible televisions, Lassie the dog.  Untrue Fact: The next sequel will contain Spiderman's most deadly nemesis, Raidman. Raidman's super power is shooting insecticide out his mouth. Spiderman also eats Mary Jane, after dissolving her insides.

The Review:  I thought the first two Spiderman movies were pretty damn good. With this one containing everyone's favorite character Venom, how could it possibly go wrong? Especially in the hands of the more than capable Sam Raimi? Well, it did go wrong, and at times it actually hurt to watch. The action was decent and fun, but right in the middle of the movie everything turned to suck-town.

The Venom "symbiote" is supposed to bring out feelings of aggression, right? That's what they said in the movie. But when Peter Parker puts it on, he suddenly turns EMO. I kid you not, there is actually a scene in the movie where he's just killed someone, and he stops to look at his reflection. Then he COMBS HIS HAIR DOWN OVER HIS FACE WITH HIS HAND. Spiderman (who's hair has turned black now, to further prove his emoness) actually pauses after fighting to comb his hair down over his face! But that is, sadly, only the beginning.

Next thing you know, Peter Parker is dancing around to corny music, shooting out the lamest, corniest lines you've ever heard at girls. He's spinning around like he's in a 70's musical or something, and you suddenly wonder if maybe you're dreaming. Surely this can't be the same movie. Nope, it is. What the heck was Raimi thinking? The going theory at theninjamaster.com is that there were massive amounts of cocaine involved. But really, Raimi said he didn't have time because of deadlines. Well, this whole section of the movie screams "hey, I'm cracked out, let's throw some wacky dancing and emo hair into a Spiderman movie!" Do note, I think Sam Raimi is awesome, I just don't know what happened to this movie.

Thankfully that part of the story comes to an end. Okay, time to get back to the good stuff. Right? Wrong. Venom turns out to be lame to the max. He doesn't do much, doesn't look that cool, and (again, this really happens) actually cries while talking during one scene. What the heck?!

Fortunately there was some good in the movie. The Sandman character turns out to be the most interesting, bringing emotion and cool effects to the table. I would have expected the more popular Venom to overshadow him, but Sandman steals the show for me. Maybe it's because he's just so likeable. Maybe it's because his power is so damn fun to watch. Either way, he does a much better job than Venom could hope for.

Don't get me wrong, this movie is still pretty terrible. The Sandman may be fun, but Spiderman is emo, Venom is lame, and for awhile it turns into High School Musical. At least Bruce Campbell makes an awesome cameo, or I'd regret seeing this entirely.

Complaints:  Spiderman is not emo. No superhero (or super villain, Mr. Venom) should cry like a baby, or pout to themselves during a movie. After that I kept waiting for the Sandman to turn into a giant cradle and rock Spiderman to sleep.

On a side note: The Ninja Master once challenged the cast of this movie to an all out battle to the death. Spiderman just started dancing and combing his hair, so he was out. Venom couldn't stop crying about Spiderman being mean to him, so he too was out. The Ninja Master ended up making Sandman into a Sand Box, before taking the rest of the day off to sigh with disappointment.

Ninjasaurus Rex:

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